Trying and Not Trying All At the Same Time

Think of "trying" both in the sense of attempting and in the sense of frustrating.  That's where I am today.

I have been making a conscious effort to be less... well, let's call it what it is-- bitchy at work.  I do like my job, and I choose to work here because of the people with whom I work.  That statement should in no way be construed to mean that I don't regularly want to pop various colleagues in the schnoz.  I do.

Today, when faced with three separate incidents in which people made me frustrated, I realized that I wanted to respond in a snarky way.

I'm not sure I can make this distinction clear, but bear with me.  I actively wanted to respond to colleagues in a way that is unprofessional, unpleasant, and produces negative energy.  Often I feel that I've responded to a situation in such a way as to create negative energy because I reacted instead of stopping to consider my response, but today I found myself feeling a little glee over complaining.

This is not whom I want to be.

So, in the words of Inigo Montoya, I go back to the beginning.

1. In life, there is suffering.  Coworkers feel entitled.  People bring problems that should not be mine and dump them on my desk.  It is a fact.
2. Suffering is caused by craving and desire.  My coworkers make me crazy because I want them to act in ways other than they are.  
3. My suffering can end if I stop craving and desiring things to be other than they are. This doesn't mean that the situation changes.  It means that I choose to be in charge of how I respond.  I do not wish to be a negative person, and so I can choose not to be.  People have control only when I give it to them.  
4. The way to stop craving and desiring things to be other than the way they are is to follow the Eightfold Path: right speech, right action, right thought, right livelihood, right effort, right awareness, right concentration, right understanding.

Image from here

Each portion of the Eightfold Path is like a spoke on a wheel.  They all lead to the same center.  I just need to pick one and focus on it.  I choose right effort.  I am going to actively try to accept situations for what they are and respond in a kind manner.  It is better for me, better for my coworkers, and better for the universe.

I'm fairly sure this is going to be hard and I will fail at it.  It is a laudable goal, and perhaps by focusing some of my effort here, I will have less available effort to be snarky.

And, if I do fail, I've got the rest of this lifetime and lots more to keep working on it.

It's important to me that anyone reading this realizes that I suck at all this.  I don't want to come across as someone who knows what she's doing.  I don't.  I'm not a good Buddhist nor am I a good Christian.  In the words of Geri Larkin, my favorite Buddhist, I'm stumbling toward enlightenment.  We all are.  Maybe life is just a series of "trying again,"  trying again to be the person I want to be even though it seems that I fail nearly all of the time.  


And so I go back to the beginning.